This is a true story. A dramatic story and its my story. It’s a story that is a little difficult to tell and I’m telling it.
When I was 15 I was raped. I was a virgin. I didn’t tell anyone except my best friend and my sister. I finally told my parents when I had to. It became obvious that I was pregnant. Total chaos and then control ensued. My parents are very religious. in fact you could use the word fanatical to describe them and you would not be far off.
I knew the guy who raped me. He was the older brother of a kid my age in the neighborhood next to ours. My Dad had a meeting with this guy. They decided that I should marry him. Yes you read correctly they wanted me to marry this guy. You know, I didn’t feel strong at all in this time in my life. But somehow I mustered the strength to tell my Dad “No Way! I will not marry the man who raped me. Are you insane?” They wanted to wrap up the whole problem with a marriage put a pretty bow on it. No embarrassment for the family and no public shame. That is when the Mormon Church stepped in. The church arranged everything. I was to be sent away to hide so no one could see my swelling belly. I lived with a family about 30 miles away from where we lived. I was their young pregnant live in babysitter. I would like to confess that I was a lousy babysitter! Imagine, you can’t have your child but here take care of our 3 kids. I lived with this family for about 8 months. I was not given any choices. They made me give my child up for adoption. It was a boy. I named him Brian. Signing the adoption papers and walking away from him was the most painful experience of my life. I loved him deeply despite the circumstances of his conception. I felt his presence all around me while I was pregnant with him. I felt I knew him. I felt I knew who he was. I knew he was a boy. I worried that he would be a sad child because I was so sad. I cried every single night.
The last time I saw him after I signed the adoption papers a nurse held him up to a window so I could see him. I thought he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen . I tried so hard to glue the memory of what he looked like in my mind. I never wanted to lose the picture of his beautiful face. A glass pane between us. No touch, I never got to hold him.
My soul was shattered. I wanted to lay down and die on the hospital floor. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was to hold myself up and walk away.
Many hours of therapy and healing and almost 25 years later. The day before his 25th birthday my son found me. His name is Kevin. That is another story, a wonderful story. A healing story! This story is for another day. His shocking and wanted return into my life ripped open these old wounds I thought I had healed. I found a really good therapist that I really liked and trusted.
A couple of years later when everything had settled down a bit and again a lot of healing work later. I felt I had this thing on my back, this heaviness that no matter what I did it was still there. It felt heavy and dark, inaccessible pounds of stuff that I couldn’t move. At some point I realized that its was all my pain, anger and resentment. All those emotions held in my left shoulder and back. I couldn’t get rid of it!!! It was there. I didn’t know how to get rid of it! It was there, it was really uncomfortable. It took a while to see that the only way to get rid of this thing in my back was to forgive! Forgiveness! Wow! This was going to be really hard. The paradoxical hook about forgiveness is that you have to let it go! I was stuck! If I forgive, it will make it OK, and everything that happened to me was not OK! And every time I tried to come to terms with this and find some sort of acceptance I came back to, what happened to me was not OK. I couldn’t let it go! I just couldn’t let it go! Because it wasn’t OK! But, this thing is on my back that I can’t get rid of it.
I decided that I had to forgive. But, I really didn’t know how! I started reading all these books I could find on forgiveness. I was vigilant. I asked for help from my guides and teachers. I really had a hard time with this. But, I had to get rid of this thing on my back. In fact I felt that if I didn’t get rid of it at some point I would literally be hunched over and crooked from the weight of it. That it would change my body. I kept searching. Still no luck. I always came back to the same thing. If I let this go that would mean that everything that happened to me would be OK AND it wasn’t OK! It was close to a whole year of searching outside and inside of myself. I was STUCK! But I had to heal this! I still couldn’t do it.
I was watching TV and an advertisement for the Oprah Show came on. They were doing a show on forgiveness tomorrow. I thought maybe she can help because nothing else has!
So the next day I tuned into the Oprah show. There were so many tragic stories and some of these people were in various stages of forgiveness. You could also tell some of these people who said they had forgiven and had not. Which is fine, that is where thy were. They were trying. There was this one woman who was so amazing. I will never forget her or her story. She was beaten up so badly by this guy who broke into her home. When her mother came into the hospital to see her the only thing she recognized was an old scar on her foot. Of course this event changed her. She stopped going out. She became reclusive. She was afraid all the time. When she realized how much this event had changed her she decided to forgive and start living her live again. She said she just forgave. She kept saying” Let go and let God. Let go and let God!”
And She let it go!
In fact she said she let it so deeply that she could have dinner with this guy and it wouldn’t bother her. She wrote him a letter in jail and told him that she had forgiven him. He wrote her back and told her it was her fault for being there. And, she still forgave. She just kept repeating the words “I let go and let God! Let go and let God.” By this time I was on the floor bawling! I was so deeply affected by this amazing woman. She had let go of so much. She was truly amazing! She had truly let this go!
While I was lying on the floor crying I felt a tap on my head, a physical tap. I looked up and there were three beings standing in a big bubble. They were bright white beings dressed is white robes and very angelic looking. The middle one spoke he said “It’s only a lesson let it go!” Then a picture appeared in the bubble I saw my Mom and Dad. I said out loud “OK, I’m letting this go”. And I let it go! I could feel this energy leaving my body.
Then another tap on my head. The beings were still there. “It’s only a lesson. Let it go!” In the bubble now was the entire entity of the Mormon Church. I was really angry at the Mormon Church. Again I said “OK, I’m letting this go.” I took in a breath and I let it go!
Then another tap on the head. Sometimes I get a real physical tap on the head! I guess I need extra help! Another tap on the head and the being said ” It’s only a lesson let it go.” This time I saw the guy who raped me in the bubble. I have to say I didn’t even know he was in there. He was tucked away far away in my subconscious mind. I suppose after this kind of event its far easier to be mad at your parents the church and not the perpetrator. Again I said “OK, I’m letting this go!” And I let it go.
The beings were no longer there.
I laid there and cried for a good 2 hours or so. I cried from the relief of having carried this for so long. For the feelings, the burden and the anger and the loss of so much. Also from feeling it lifting from by body. I let it all go!
When I finally finished crying, I thought to myself “I have new eyes to see with. How will the world look now from this new place!” I washed my face and ran off to an astrology class.
There is one more part to this story. Hopefully your still with me here.
About 8 years ago at a meditation event in phoenix. This woman who was a regular attendee to this group started crying a lot. She couldn’t get past an old wound that had come up for her at the last meeting. She shared that when she was much younger she had a child that her parents forced her to give up for adoption. She was still in a lot of pain. I had happen to be sitting next to her. I shared a small part of my story. Sharing that, you can Heal! Spirit is amazing how it works in our lives. As I was meditating I realized that there was one more piece to forgiving that I had missed. I still hadn’t forgiven myself! I hadn’t forgiven myself for being a naive 15-year-old girl who put herself in harm’s way. What a realization! No beings came to me this time. I’m sure they were there. I told myself, It’s only a lesson. Let it go! I took a deep breath and I let it go! I forgave myself.
That’s my story.
Sometimes it takes many years to heal things. There are so many hurts and pains along this journey called life. Acceptance is a big part of forgiveness and healing too. Again, I know it’s not easy! But, You can do it. You Can Heal. You can forgive. I know this because I’ve done it. Sometimes we need lots of help and that’s OK. Help it’s out there. Please reach out and ask in whatever way that works for you.
What can you let go of now that has been a burden on you for way to long?
It’s only a lesson. Let it go!